SEA SHELL GAME #30

SEA SHELL GAME #30
Jane Reichhold
April 9, 2000

ROUND ONE

1
Water glistens
on morning grass
engines crush the silence

2
fat peach
in the darkening orchard
a full moon

Traditionally, haiku avoided negative thoughts and actions. On that basis, ku #2 easily exemplifies something positive. Yet, I like the idea of "engines crush the silence" and it is not all that 'violent'. I wondered why the author of #1 used the word 'water' instead of dew? Hmmm. However, the inner connectedness of #2 (lines 1 and 3 are related) pushes it ahead.

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3
up from the chimney
arose the souls of trees
sacrificed for warmth

4
Contagiously cute
and plenty to go around;
a smile makes my day.

Ku # 3 contains enough concrete images of the natural world to win this match. "Contagiously cute" is a judgmental opinion – a haiku no-no.

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5
Quiet settles down
feather light, blanketing earth
Winter has arrived

6
Raindrops gently pitch,
"pit-a-pat-a-pit-a-pat"
Bucket overflows.

Two weather reports and both have the correct phrasing syntax. Very close. I will pick #6 because it is more immediate. The author simply relates what is happening without digesting the information.

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7
cascading down
hiding a thirsty brown lawn
my white happiness

8
cherry blossoms fall
land beneath the fragrant trees
heavily scented

I wish the author of #7 had left out the word "my". I would also question why the ku has two gerund verbs. Is the second one ("hiding") really necessary? Or was the author too interested in counting syllables? See, it shows? Ku #8 wins this match.

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9
3500...
can't bring to mind the first, nor
the most recent

10
Arctic wind—
water stiffens
all around

The good thing about #9 is the projected author's mind fuzziness come across to the reader. I am not sure what is being referenced – 3500 what? Ku #10 lets my mind build an image and with that wins the match.

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11
Aching bones
The old man watches the sea
And remembers his youth

12
windowsill ivy
creeps to the right
leaning towards light

For some reason the rhyme in #12 gets to me – in a negative way. It is no 'sin' to have a rhyme but somehow having two lines so close together 'weakens' the poem. Yet, I feel I cannot pick #11 – it feels like such a tanka-like ku. Yet as a ku I do prefer #11. But in competition for a haiku contest, I would pick #12 for this match.

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13
Rose wake you missed her.
I dreamt I tripped and kissed her.
I tripped a thousand times.

14
A freshly bloomed rose
Blending in with the bright sun
Grows on a footpath

Ku #13 is a good example of the 'Western poet' trying to tell the whole story in three lines and 18 syllables. Sorry. It just does not fly. Ku #14 wins.

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15
air continuum
through wintry haze of starlight
full moon brings laughter

16
A breath of fresh wind
My heart longs for such treasure
Under bloodied skies

Haiku works with reality, or at least perceived reality. Skies can be blood-red, but it is really hard to get blood on the sky – though it seems some people have tried. Ku #15 wins.

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ROUND TWO

2
fat peach
in the darkening orchard
a full moon

3
up from the chimney
arose the souls of trees
sacrificed for warmth

I see here, in the match of these two ku, what haiku is and what it could be if we English writers continue to scrape away at the form. We want to give our opinions on things so readily. The Oriental mind looks at the physical world with the eyes of an innocent child – as in #2.

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6
Raindrops gently pitch,
"pit-a-pat-a-pit-a-pat"
Bucket overflows.

8
cherry blossoms fall
land beneath the fragrant trees
heavily scented

Usually if one submits a cherry blossom ku in a contest it will be chosen because the very subject matter is so appealing. Yet, I am bothered by the use of "fragrant" and "scented" in one small haiku. That bothers me more than my admiration for the double use of "land". It does so very easily work as both a verb and a noun – something I always admire. However, I will take #6 for the winner here.

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10
Arctic wind—
water stiffens
all around

12
windowsill ivy
creeps to the right
leaning towards light

Shiki would have been very proud of himself if he had written #12. This ku is a perfect example of his 'simple sketch' school of haiku. No being Mr. Shiki, I will pick #10 because it plays with my mind.

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14
A freshly bloomed rose
Blending in with the bright sun
Grows on a footpath

15
air continuum
through wintry haze of starlight
full moon brings laughter

Stumped by two ku in a row. I do not understand why the rose in #14 grows on a footpath. I usually find it very hard to walk over a rose bush. And in #15 I cannot figure out why the moon brings laughter. I love the phrase "wintry haze of starlight" and wish the rest of the poem carried the beauty of this. Why laughter? Just because the ku loses the match, I hope the author will hang with that phrase and give it a worthy mounting in another ku.

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ROUND THREE

2
fat peach
in the darkening orchard
a full moon

6
Raindrops gently pitch,
"pit-a-pat-a-pit-a-pat"
Bucket overflows.

I am bothered by the third line of #6. It feels as if the line should read: the bucket overflows. I suspect the syllable counter alarm went off and prevented this ku from winning the match.

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10
Arctic wind—
water stiffens
all around

14
A freshly bloomed rose
Blending in with the bright sun
Grows on a footpath

No one will be surprised to know I pick #10.

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ROUND FOUR

2
fat peach
in the darkening orchard
a full moon

10
Arctic wind—
water stiffens
all around

Two well matched haiku. The only thing that kept #10 from making this game a tie, was ending the ku with a preposition instead of a noun. I loved the phrase "water stiffens" instead of 'freezes' and yet. . . Congratulations to robbynl for the winning ku:

fat peach
in the darkening orchard
a full moon

.............. robbynl

Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.